Relational Life Therapy
What is Relational Life Therapy?
Relational Life Therapy, or RLT for short, is an approach to couples therapy that is known for producing rapid, lasting and positive change in relationships. Developed by Terry Real, RLT provides a comprehensive theory of what causes relationship problems, as well as a systematic method for bringing couples back into healthy connection. RLT is built on several important assumptions that sets it apart from other couples therapy:
Connectedness is our Birthright
Humans function best when they are securely attached to others in their world. RLT works with the things that get in the way of connectedness, including trauma histories, cultural contexts, patriarchy, socio-economic status, heterosexism, and racism. It encourages behaviors that bring us closer to each other in healthy ways.
Relational Empowerment Over Individual Empowerment
All people who feel disempowered or unheard ought to be able to speak their truth in a way that fosters, versus damages, their relationships. RLT therapists teach clients to choose behaviors that nurture relationship and contribute in healthy ways to the “ecosystem” that is our relationship. It is about learning that relationships are about “us”, not just “me”.
Full Respect Living
This applies to all aspects of relationship - within one’s self, and between self and others. RLT believes there is no room from contempt, whether for yourself or anyone else.
Realtional Practice
Intimacy isn’t something you have it is someting you do. It’s about our ability to manage our automatic, unhelpful responses and remain present-based and focused on good outcomes. This requires a lot of practice. RLT therapists teach their clients how to do intimacy, from moment-to-moment, in your relationship.
Humans Can Change….Profoundly
RLT sees character as a result of all the relatonal experiences we’ve had in our lives - we are a mix of the important people that were in our lives as we were growing up. By recongizing this, we can choose how we want to behave and learn what works and what doesn’t. Brains are neuroplastic, meaning we can change actions, beleifs and thoughts through the combination of trauma work and relational practices that are foundational in RLT.
How Does Relational Life Therapy Work?
RLT therapists have extensive training and take couples on a journey that is comprised of three distinct phases.
PHASE 1
Data Gathering and Joining Through the Truth
The first phase involves understanding what each person hopes for in the relationship and what they want to get from the therapy. From here, the RLT therapist goes on a data gathering mission where they help the couple uncover the dynamics and patterns that are going on between them. This process can help couples see what is getting in the way of what they want in the relationship. Essential to this phase is what Relational Life Therapists call “joining through the truth”, which is one of the hallmark strategies of RLT and makes this approach stand out from other couples therapy models. Joining through the truth is the moment where the therapist and the couple begin to acknowledge and take on the “bad behaviours” that are ruining the relationship. Think of it as a “good news bad news” approach, where the therapist holds the client respectfully and positively but also points out some difficult truths about behaviours that are jeopardizing the health of the relationship. RLT therapists bring these hard topics into the conversation with gentleness and caring.
PHASE 2
Family of Origin Exploration and Trauma Work
Pioneer of RLT, Terry Real, often says that this approach is unique because it “works with the part of you that won’t use the skills!” When we get triggered by our partner, most of us have an automatic, protective, survival reaction, or “fight, flight, freeze or fix” response. These knee-jerk responses are often adaptive strategies that we used to navigate and cope with the early environments we lived in. By exploring your childhood, you will gain a deeper understanding of your automatic responses and be able to make connections by asking yourself this question: “What about growing up in my family makes it hard for me to use skills in my present day relationship?”
Also unique to RLT is that trauma work is done in the presence of the partner - after all, you have been on the recieveing end of those knee-jerk adaptive responses that your partner learned early in life. When you witness your partner retell their stories and connect to their inner child, it increases your empathy and understanding. As we draw out the circumstances that shaped your partner’s behaviours, you generally feel compassion and this helps your partner feel understood and accepted. Having deeper knowledge of your partner, you can think about different ways of responding. For example, if you know your parnter percieves your suggestions as critcism because he grew up with a hyper-critical father, then you can make a choice to preface your suggestion with “Honey, this is not a criticism…”. These understandings move both of you to new heights of intimacy and relationality.
PHASE 3
Teaching and Mastering Relationship Skills
Another hallmark of RLT is that it is directive and educational. A RLT therapist shows you what you are doing wrong, and teaches you what to do instead. Once you are reasonably successful at recognizing your triggers and automatic knee-jerk responses, and moving yourself into a more grounded mindset, we want to solidify your success and equip you and your partner with as many skills as possible to help you maintain healthy intimacy moving forward. Most of us need to be taught what it means to be relational, or how to deal with the inevitable ruptures that occur in a relationship. Relational Life Therapists believe that there are three major components needed for true intimacy: accountability, empathy, and vulnerability. All of the skills taught are in the service of increased relationality.
When Should I Consider Relational Life Therapy For Me And My Partner?
RLT is appropriate for couples going through many different challenges. For most of us, it’s pretty obvious when things aren’t going right in our relationships—perhaps you feel disconnected, or you’re finding that you can’t talk about much without arguing, or maybe you’re ignoring each other. Perhaps you’ve experienced a more serious event in your relationship, like an affair or betrayal of some kind. Relationship challenges show up in different ways, and most of those issues are appropriate for Relational Life Therapy.
RLT is not to be started if there is current violent behaviour by one or both partners, if one or both partners are struggling with substance use issues, or if either of you has a mental health condition that is not being appropriately managed.
How Do My Partner and I Get Started With RLT?
Getting started is easy! If you’d like to learn more about how Relational Life Therapy can help you through your challenges, go ahead and complete the contact form to connect. We can schedule a free, 15-minute phone consultation where you can ask questions and better understand how RLT can benefit you and your partner.
Ready for change and lasting results?
Whether you're striving for a stronger partnership or aiming for individual development, we'll work together to identify and change unhelpful patterns and behaviours. Let’s chat in-person in Oakville or virtually across Ontario.